As Elephants Sigh

bumble_babe @ 2006-01-31T01:40:00

2006-01-31T06:36:47Z

Well, many of you have agreed to the idea of a contest, so I have decided to start one. I have never created a contest... and I have never moderated one... so don't hate me if I'm not doing it properly. I was thinking we could do it from Tuesday (Tomorrow) until ending Monday at noon. I know I have a hard time with weekends... so that would be good. You must post your points as often as you can (preferably daily you can). Everyonen will add your own points... and I guess the winner get complimentary praise. And is smaller than ever!!

(per day)

FASTING: 6 pts

eating under 600 CALS: 1 pt

eating under 400 CALS: 2pts

eating under 200 - CALS: 3 pts

RESISTING FOOD from another: 2 pts

burning over 600 CALS AT THE GYM: 4 pts

burning between 599-400 CALS AT THE GYM: 3 pts

burning between 399-200- CALS AT THE GYM: 1 pt

POSTING THINSPIRATION: 2 ptsDRINKING 8 GLASSES OF WATER: 2 pts

love dumb dumb

bumble_babe @ 2006-01-31T01:35:00

2006-01-31T06:32:24Z

hello you

balh

pee body

bumble_babe @ 2006-01-31T01:33:00

2006-01-31T06:30:18Z

makjhdkjhasdfa

megahnasdfjhsadf

sadfasdfas

bumble_babe @ 2006-01-31T01:30:00

2006-01-31T06:26:33Z

bajshdAJKHSDKJSahsdADS

HELLO MUNKS

LOVLY DAYASSYA

Food is not Empty but Heavy

2006-01-16T06:28:03Z

Today was fun. I'm slowlly getting to knwo Kim better. She's so pensive though, (in a good way) so i hope i can, as Jim morrison would say, 'break on through to the otherside.' Being around Kim and Elizabeth makes me so happy. They have mere insecurities and are not at all selfish. I love them. I'm so excited to live with them.
Tomorrow I am going to
-take diet pills
-read 2 chapters from m2 books
-go to the gym
-go to gerts and watch chloe play pool
CLEAN MY ROOM
look at apartment listings

FAST. dont forget. okay. okay

Raptor

2005-12-14T08:33:02Z

This is so weird, because I actually haven;t written to MYSELF in the longest time, due to the fact that I'm usually wrighting to my 'friends'. I had a strange day today. I read Richelle's livejournal. I know weird. It mad me feel so weird ( God I am so awful with identifying with my feelings). I dont knwo I guess it was just the confusion between felling sad because I felt left out, or shocked and (almost) appauled about how utterly obsessed with males she is. She loves them so much she makes me feel like a lesbian. At first I was angry because I felt liek being the 'best friend' I should have been more included in her life, and her not doing that was just being self centered. But then I realixzed that were all about the self intrest shit, so let her indulge in it in secret, after all none of us were meant to see this. As Amy S. once said (haha) "Diaries are sick, you only write shit in them that you could never say to anyone else." Why else would you have them.
So on that note I am going to try to devote more time into my live journal. It's very peacful. I 'm such an awfful commitment person though, Im sure I'll get destracted and forget about it.
TOMORROW: Now that my rooms clean and I am going to do my laundry I have an exuce not to eat.
Repeat over and over in your head: Meghan... no matter what you're not going to eat tomorrow.
Things to get excited about:
- Going home
- Julia's apartment
- Not eating
- Seeing Melissa
- Finishing Natural
Things to do:
- Get Mom's stocking stuffers
- Review a tiny bit for Moral
- Vacuum
- Do laundry
- Make X-Mas cards for: Richelle, Jacquie and more...

*Julian* I hate that name

No one to hold my hand

2005-11-13T20:28:16Z

I just went for breakfast. I had half a crepe, ham and swiss. eww so greasy. I'm going to the gym tonight, and I'm not going to eat for the rest of the day. I can only go the gym though if I finish most of my paper. Guh that liek 1500 word in 4 hours. Can I do it?
New Stats:
cw:134 lbs
hw:140
lw:117lbs
stwg1:130lbs by thursday
stwg2:120lbs by Dec.10th

*Just stay cool Girls*
JULIAN

Ignorance

2005-10-27T06:05:45Z

I'm hurt. Hurt by the fact that either I am such a regular person I can be replaced within a 2 month period, or by the fact that someone I considered such a good friend can be so selfish. You have made me question the valididty of my judgment calls. I gave myself to you as a "bestfriend", made my self vulnerable- and now I am alone. I guess since everything in your life becomes novel at some point, I did too. Sometimes I wonder what is important to you in life, and most the time my question is answer quickly and simply. You leave everyone behind, and focus on you. No one can depend on you. I will be so skinny next time I see you. And you will be jelous to all ends of the Earth. AND THAT WILL HURT YOU.

Update

2005-05-11T17:26:07Z

Wow, I havent written in a long ass time. I have an AP in like 2 hours so Im going to study. I just wanted to say Im barly eating anything until the 21st which is not long. Good luck to me

bumble_babe @ 2004-12-21T20:09:00

2004-12-22T03:12:40Z

Guh... Talk about stuck in a rut. Do you guys ever do what I call " flip flopping"... I don't know. It's just like I fast for a week then eat regulr for two weeks... and I wonder do I have an ED. But even when I am eating normally I am always thinking about food. And Kinda weird... when I eat normally I procrastiate doing the weirdest things, like I won't shower so I don't have to see my body, or I won't waer fitted clothing... so this week when Im eating normally I look like a total slob in sweatpants and the biggest hoodie ever. I hate it! Grrr... I just can't have faith right now. WHta do I do?

Love prevails in the Heart f Liturature

2004-11-12T21:25:34Z

FUCK. I am having a really annoying day. Im just remembering things that people really shouldn't have said. Like yesterday when JB was talking aout KS lossing weight, and that she definatly not ana- because shes not that kind of girl. What kind of girl!?! You mean upper white class female over chiver perfectionist- ha yeah right. Almost every girl here is "that kind of girl". But of couse, since I have been condtioned ito eing overly passive, and kinda a push over- I didn't even think twice to say anything... no it's pissing me off. And I don't know, yesterday night MT told that here and I are in "n underground competition fr JS". What that fuck. How does that work? I though she was cooler than that. Who cares who hangs out with him more, or who he likes better. I think it's dumb- now theres a competiton established, and I feel uncomfortable. I tried to be syapathetic to her though, because I really like her and didnt want to upset her. She said it was inda bothering her to- should I fel bad. I dont know, I guess Ive just fallen into the typical Brentwood trap, of being overanalytical and to critical. It's hard though sometimes. Because sometimes it's all we have to focus on other than homeowrk. You have to be a very wise and ... you have to know yourself well to be positive. I respct those people, but at times resent them, jelous I guess. You also have to go about being positive in the right way, so your not argumentative and annoying about it. It has to be something you keep to yourself, and don't shove it in people face like a preecher. Anyways I was reading on lost the other day that some girl lost 15lbs in two weeks. Therefor I can lose 10lbs definatly before SB. So ya, only raw foods this week... wel starting on Saturday night- until hoever long I can. I hope RD and I can get Hot Rox :)

I feel good.. I knew that would

2004-07-30T21:43:53Z

I just exersiced for about an hour. It was pretty good. Usually I go for runs but today I just did really brisk walking on the tread mill (like i mean really brisk.. i almost got shot off the end a few times), then I jumped on the trampoline for awhile. but i dont know if that burns cals very well. I also did most all of the workouts from Self magazine, its great. I didn't feel like it was my best work out ever though, because It wasn't very strenuios, but Im goning to play feild hockey later, and I usual sweat alot from that. I only ate half a pack of oat meal today, it helped me feel energizes. I itnhk im going to have like 3 apples before this bbq my bfs having for me tohugh so im full. Ill also try not to smoke pot and get the munchies, also maybe I wont drink, bc i always look all inhabitiions when I do, but my bfs so annoying when hes drunk and I m not. He always just wants to hook up, and has this dumb look on his face.

One Love

2004-07-30T07:21:10Z

I've never had a feeling like thin. My skin feels thin, and so does my soul. But it's like a peacful thin. A thin that can float on the breeze, making feathers jelious. I feel calm, but not a good calm, just liek before a storm. I don't know if this whole community of lost is good for me. I'm not as passionate about being skinny as other girls, and I feel guilty about that. I think that I might be getting myself into something more serious than I should. But I also question this? Am I over rating me caring about my body, just so i don't feel so defiant of everything I've been taught before about eating disorders? Am I being to dramatic. All I want is to be skinny and happy, I do relize though realistically, neither leads to the other, no matter what anyone says. Being skinny may getting the attention envy I'm craving though? Why do I crave others to want what I have? Well, I'm not very good in school( a school were being smart and perfect... is in), I love art, and no one every notices the passion and time I put into my work. I just want some one to stop and say wow, you deserve credt. More credit than those ass kissing cartoon doodlers get. Maybe your arts over our heads, says my teacher, then send me to fucking NY , theyll understand.
So in the end off all my contemplation, I tried fasting for 30 hours. I know I might sound whimpy, but I was slurring (trying my hardest not to) i could barly stay awake, and I had the most killer migrane. So I had a peach, and a bowl of soup. I know I fycked my whole efforts up, but I got scared. I began to think of what happens once I want to be normalish again and eat. Will I be an even bigger fat ass then I am now?
Well tomorrow I'm just going to eat like 4 apples and my bfs having me this huge bbq, special dinner, so I don't know how thats going to go over. Wow, Im really questioning do this all. Remind me, who am I doing this for again?
Then One Love came on....
"Is it getting better?
Or do you feel the same?
Will it make it easier on you know.. you've got someone to blame.
... it leaves you baby if you don't care for it.
did rem and u2 sing the lyrics for me?
pLEASE DONT LET ME GIVE UP?

bumble_babe @ 2004-07-29T17:59:00

2004-07-30T00:22:26Z

This whole lost page has really opened my eyes. I thought i was I was some kind of freak with being obbsessed with food. I tihnk i got it from my mom, shes in some club called overeaters anonomys.. sp? so food was always a big issue in my house and my mom made it sound so dramatic, so now im fucked. liek always thinking about it. I have never really diet, but ive just been and off and on ana for about 4 years, but I always thought all girls took as much notice to size as i did. Ive always thought of myself as a very level headed girl so sometimes I question being ana, and thats whats hard for me. Because if im sure of myself I have will power to the end of the world, and also reading other ana girls feeling Ive realize that for me losing weight is more of an asthetic thing, not really that emotional. I have a pretty alright life, Im ive had shit go down, but I feel very lucky for everything I have. I just want to be thinner than anyone else in the grade, have a huge smile than no one can steal from me, and have a peacful soul. Theres nothing I love more than peace.
Also another thing is i am a very extraverted person, so this is very difficult for me to keep inside. So id love it if i could have a buddy on here, that shared similar stats and we could always encourage eathother, not to give up. Also maybe it would encourage a little competition.
And on a closing note, I havent eaten since last night at dinner (ive been drinking ice tea other wise ill get the worst dizzyness and it keeps me full, then also my body doesnt crave a sugar fix.) Im not hungry at all. But I went to my friends house, and Im 124 holy, fat. I thought i would aleast be 119. hmm i wonder if i dont eat until dinner how much I will drop?

Goal

2004-07-29T18:21:51Z

Hmm so since Ive joined this page ive been thinking alot about my exact weight goals, and i feel very content with my plan. I would liek to be 110 by the time school starts, the my ultimate goal is 100. I am 5'8 and about 125lbs. im going on a 2 day fast and im gonna exersice the shit out of myself. Mary Kate and you guys are my best thinsporation. Oh and does anone know what the best negative cal foods are and how can i get rid of my absolutly large love handles

bumble_babe @ 2004-07-29T01:24:00

2004-07-29T07:26:20Z

I really like the idea of these competetion. Iam determined to win. The only down fall is that I am always traveling so first i wont have you guys, and second dont know if ill be able to enter my stats for sure. Does anyone know any pro ana sites

bumble_babe @ 2004-07-28T19:40:00

2004-07-29T01:44:40Z

Hmm. This is a weird day. I tohught i could come on here and just write artistically and kinda try to find the inner peace/happiness or whatever everyone around my seems be smearing smiles across their faces. Or i don't knwo that self assurance, or just helping me deal with shit. Now i find all the great stuff about ana and its really great to have ppl to talk to about it that dont attack me. But listening to other girls stories it kinda makes me wonder about my own. once i get to my weight goal, will I be happy? or will i be addicted to the emptyness. is this all jading me to an eating disorder?

help

2004-07-28T22:24:47Z

Hmmm I want to lose 10-15 lbs. I take hot rox, and don't eat reglarly, but it's hard for me not to eat at night, but only night, i dont know why. I love the feelin of not eating though. I feel so clean. But umm when I do fuck up and eat I can never throw up. does anyone have any tips for me. And also is it possiable to lose 15 lbs in one month

When you have everything, you have everything to lose

2004-07-28T21:03:04Z

My first entry should start off with a bang shouldn't it.Well I'm always seeking for understaning, I like to understand others, but I want to understood me. I feel no effort in that. So maybe I should get a chance to explain myself. I'm a horriable speller, but that doesn't mean I'm stupid. And I'm not a mean person, but I like wrighting shit in my journal that I can't say out loud, saving my nice girl ass( that I don't want, or deserve, but I don't feel comfortable just drastically blowing it off. I dont want that attention. So I'm confused.) So just let me be brutal, imperfect, and spell everything completly wrong.
I'm not very content right now. I want Diamonds on the inside. For some reason unknown to me, keeping peace satisfys that, and helping others. War always makes me cry, but know one wants to see me cry, they always just try to make me stop. And also not eating makes me feel better about it. I wanna get rid of all my old things, that I have to much of. And live in room with love, and a huge buddha.lol In real life, no on would know me like thins. Its hurts me. The only one that I think would be cool aout it is Marg. No one would be cool about the not eating thing. Thats why I was hoping there would be other people to about shit like this.

When you have everything, you have everything to lose

2004-07-28T20:55:42Z

My first entry should start off with a bang shouldn't it.Well I'm always seeking for understaning, I liek to understand others, but I want others to understand me too. So maybe I should get a chance to explain myself. I'm a horriable speller, but that doesn't eman I'm stupid. And I'm not a mean person, but I like wrighting shit in my journal that I can't say can't say outloud, saving mynice girl ass. So just let me be brutal, imperfect, and spell everything completly wrong.
I'm not very content right now. I want Diamonds n the inside. For some reason unknown to me, keeping peace satisfys that, and helping others. And also not eating makes me feel better about it. I wanna get rid of all me old things, that I have to much of. And live in room with love, and a huge buddha. In real life, no on eowuld know me like thins. Its hurts me. The only one that I think would be cool aout it is Marg. No one would be cool about the not eating thing. Thats why I was hoping there would be other people to about shit like this.